teen addicted to porn

Signs that may point to a pornography addiction in your teen:

Depression or Disinterest:

When challenges arise in a young person’s life, they need to find a way to cope. Unfortunately, their still-developing brain is most often emotionally inadequate to deal. Porn is a quick-fix solution that blasts the brain with dopamine and can help a teen out of an emotional funk.  This causes a connection between porn and feeling better, but this is untrue in the long term.

Depression sets in when a teen becomes addicted to the shameful, secretive, and brain-chemistry altering behavior. They seek it out but keep it hidden, and this shame will consume them. The depression they face will lower their enjoyment of other things they liked before, and they will continue to return to porn for the dopamine boost. This is like an addiction to gaming and often is concurrent with porn use.

Lying, Stealing, or Keeping Secrets:

If your teen is showing an increase in lying, or keeping secrets, take note! Don’t just assume this is your teen’s way of “navigating their way through puberty” or “finding themselves”. Don’t look the other way if you notice money or credit cards being stolen, passwords being changed, etc.

Shame comes with lying, stealing, and secrets. Don’t expect your teen to come and confess, but be careful not to press them too hard, or they may retreat further into themselves.

Frequent and Extended Late Nights:

While teens do tend to stay up late, an unhealthy balance or pattern is likely an indicator of secretive behavior. Be aware if your teen is consciously staying up late at night, and make sure they can account for the way that time is being spent.

Relentless Chase of Immediate Gratification:

This is, once again, a common behavior among teens but does not mean that it should go unmonitored. If your teen doesn’t display self-control, it is either causing problems already, or it will.

Obsession with Technology:

Teens who have an unbridled access to the internet are at a great risk. These devices are easily addictive and can create a dependency on them. Monitor your teen’s usage, history, and downloads. It will become apparent very quickly if inappropriate content is being viewed, or being covered up. A big tip is if the history is consistently missing. Also, be sure to familiarize yourself with the apps, websites, and devices etc. that your teens are using.

Approaching your teenager:

If you find evidence of pornography use:

Firstly, make sure it didn’t come from other people in your home BEFORE you approach your child. If you are going to present the evidence to your teen, choose a time where they are likely to be willing to engage with you. You should ask them about it calmly, and without judgment. The best thing you can do is not accuse them, and not get angry with them.

They need to feel safe with you before they will share anything with you. Make sure you don’t put your emotions on your teens, instead, calmly wait for their response. If they get sidetracked gently steer them back to your question. Let them know that you only want what’s best for them and that you love and care about them no matter what. Acknowledge how they might be feeling and that it makes sense.

If they are talking, LISTEN! Next, explain that it’s normal that they would enjoy porn but you disagree with their continued viewing of it and why. Communicate your values clearly, and give your support. Your teen is more likely to share with you if they feel safe with you.

If you don’t have evidence, but suspect something:

The scenario should play out similarly to the once above. You initiate a conversation with your child about porn. You can bring up how overly-sexualized material is all around. Ask your teen how it is affecting them. Make sure you do not accuse them of anything, do not be condescending towards them, and don’t be fake. Do talk frankly with them about pornography and its effects.

Remember to:

  1. Have age-appropriate conversations with your child about sex, starting at an early age. Teach them! This is your job.
  2. Set up appropriate boundaries and accountability.
  3. Make time for difficult but necessary conversations.
  4. Make time to connect with your teen in other ways too! This is very important.
  5. Normalize sex and reduce the shame that surrounds it. Help your teen make sense of it all.
  6. Do not ignore your gut feelings on issues such as these.
  7. Get help from a professional when you need it.